“Happy Thanksgiving” Like You’ve Never Heard Before!


I’m thankful to the Pilgrims who came to America in search of religious freedom. (If they had landed in South Carolina or Florida it might have been a veeeerrrrryyyyy different outcome for them…maybe they wouldn’t have all FROZEN TO DEATH!)

Have you ever spent a winter in Massachusetts? I have. It’s like hell on earth but with ice instead of fire. Ice death storms they call Nor’easters. Those people are CRAZY! There is NO winter coat thick enough. Wolves don’t even live there. Plus. It’s not just Plymouth Rock…the whole state is a rock, that’s why they couldn’t grow anything…their seeds died in protest.

Steven King lives 20 minutes away in Maine and look at what the cold has done to HIS mind. Let’s just all think about THAT for a moment…

It’s a miracle America even happened. A freaking miracle. Native people saved the pilgrims behinds. (The scalping and the taking of land came later…at first it was mostly, sort of ok.)

Then people discovered the West Coast (out of sheer desperation, most likely) and were like, “Hey, human people can actually live happily here! Plus! There lots of gold!”

But then Democrats took over and now we have more needles (not sewing needles) than flowers and more addicts than street performers. Like all the jugglers had their balls stolen probably. Who does that? Plus the thugs steal things like sweatshirts and condoms in broad daylight and no one can do anything about it because it’s…how we show love to others in a non-violent and tolerant and safe way. Yay. (Everyone in Seattle especially loves this, that’s why they buy so much coffee. Because they aren’t exhausted at all from the crap on the sidewalks…they’re just deliriously happy about it all and choose to celebrate with caffeine instead of meth so the homeless don’t feel we are taking anything from them.)

It all so outrageous.

So, now people are moving to Texas where there are GIANT bugs and ridiculous weather patterns and hail balls the size of your face or else they are going to Florida…where there is also ridiculous weather and giants bugs plus also alligators that will swallow your babies and kitties right up. Yay.

People would literally rather live in Wyoming than Washington and Wyoming has the highest suicide rate in North America. Yay. Can’t wait to visit.

Can we blame west-coast Democrats for ruining our beautiful home on the west coast shores?

I don’t want to live in a place where the sun RISES over the ocean. Gross. It’s not natural.

The West Coast is Amazing.

Democrats don’t deserve it.

Thanksgiving is underrated.

Turkeys are extremely terrifying.

Native people rock.

America is a miracle.

And Jeffery Epstein didn’t kill himself.


Published by Alicia Dean

Truth seeker and story-teller.

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