When I turned 20 I couldn’t imagine myself at 30. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure I would survive the next ten years: depression was so dense around me.
I knew God was good and there, but I just couldn’t seem to reach him. Like he was an ever-moving target…and there always seemed to be a veil in front of me.
I’ve since learned that God isn’t far away at all, he is near. He bends down so low to reach us that the wind carries his breath on wings invisible and the dark tones of the sea surface are merely mirroring his infinite depth.
I’ve learned that a good friend is worth the weight of gold. Because when life is full of wonder and new babies and delight, you need a Celebrator beside you. And when life is dim and heartbreaking and everything rips apart, you need a Champion beside you. A Shoulder.
And no one ever told me that Love could change you so: sometimes its feathers and you fly, sometimes its heavy and you grow. But oh! how it changes just everything.
I’ve learned that losing a pregnancy is a strange kind of grief…because only you felt it and only you know that someone is missing from the day-to-day. And every once in a while a flutter reminds you that there is a little body absent from the dinner table. And you wonder…How is it possible to miss a soul you never met? But I’m grateful that it is.
I’ve learned that Motherhood is mostly just the practice of repetitive release. Release of expectations. Release of yourself. Release of controlling the outcome. Release of all the opinions…until you finally find that life you always wanted. Until you finally find the joy in Motherhood is in the imperfection of it, because that is where God meets us most bold.
I’ve learned that hard work is a given. Pain is inevitable. And grief is a part of life. But also so is joy!
I’ve learned that the people who love you, who actually love you, will always want the best for you and not just for themselves. Selfishness is rampant and generosity rare. Be rare.
And I’ve learned that confrontation often reveals true character…on both ends.
I’ve learned that vulnerability is scary but worth it. And I’ve learned that being the same person at home and in public is both possible and freeing. But most of all, it’s what we are called to: humble authenticity.
Here is where the story unfolds…here at the end of a decade that began with sadness and all the empty things but ends hand-in-hand with a good man and three precious little children I get to call my own.
Here…where I learned that God isn’t just enough. He’s too much. He’s everything. And everything is perfect, because that’s exactly what I need.
This is what 10 years taught me, the sacred lessons that all the brokenness tried to keep from me: God doesn’t weave in and out of our lives like a bird diving underneath the surface over and over, beads of wet slipping off it’s feathers…God simply resides with steadfast love so deep it overflows and reaches out from the furthest crevices of the universe.
And that is the most profound lesson of all, isn’t it?